Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
