you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
