I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
