did you get engaged???
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
sex in a hospital.. check
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
