i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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