I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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