im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
