Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
