Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Randomize
