I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
