I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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