He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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