You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
