Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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