Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
