I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
