fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
