You really coming over, don't trick.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
