you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Two words: blizzard sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
