i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
