I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
