so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
