Are we in a gay sports bar?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
