Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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