if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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