she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
