If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
