Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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