Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
