So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
