I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
