my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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