3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
