I need to stop coming to work sober
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
