In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
