Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
