I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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