Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
