A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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