dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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