I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
