Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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