I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
