you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's always time for handjobs
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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