I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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