aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
