you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
