Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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