I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
