I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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