He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
