he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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