I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
