so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I love having hate sex.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize