The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
