saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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