Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
