Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
