she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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