I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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