in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize