If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize