my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I need to sanitize my soul.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
