We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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