I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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