I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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